Tuesday, April 01, 2014
To Anybody, Chair of the Search Committee of Choice:
With this letter I would like to introduce myself and state my disqualifications for a position at the University of Anywhere. I have recently completed a Doctorate in Something from the University of Somewhere, where I also earned a Master of Arts in Anything. I also hold a Bachelor of Arts in B.S. Studies from Some College, where I graduated with Dishonors. Currently, I am Professor of Nothing at the Nowhere School of No Research. I believe that my lack of experience meets your search criteria.
I have not been teaching anything for many years now. As a graduate student, I taught nothing in particular except on occasion, when I would teach something for some time. When absolutely unnecessary, I also taught a little of everything in order to not be teaching anything else. As a professor, I now teach courses in nothing all the time to both undergraduate and graduate students from everywhere, as well as from the middle of nowhere. In the future, I intend to underdevelop a series of non-topics related to Something Studies, Anything Studies, Everything Studies, and Nothing Studies. As such, in addition to introductory courses, I would be eager to offer advanced courses related to my field(s) of study that lose sight of both the aims of the program and the needs of the students.
Besides my experience in not teaching, I am very committed to not doing research in the multiple and various areas(s) of study mentioned above. I have not presented any papers at academic conferences, or published any articles in scholarly journals. My dissertation, "Bla Bla Bla: The Jargon of Gibberish," explores the evolution of "bla bla bla" throughout history in terms of a discursive discourse of discursivity and/or discursiveness that culminates in nonsensical nonsense. After much (hypo)critical reflection about potential misdirections, my current disinterests focus on issues related to non-issues, primarily in the form of contemporary concerns, on the one hand, and post-contemporary indifference, on the other.
In conclusion, I would like to assert that, in addition to not teaching or doing research, I would be committed to not serving the university in any capacity whatsoever. Although my current position does not include duties or responsibilities, I have forced myself to serve as the coordinator of the Non Servium organization for several semesters. For no other reasons, and many others, I feel that I am duly disqualified to apply for the position, and that, should I be ultimately granted the job, I would have nothing to offer or to gain from working at the University of Anywhere.
Dr. No 1